Some Good News About Blended Families
They Spur Members To Grow Emotionally Tatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a classic stepfamily struggle when she moved from Moscow, Russia to Portland, Ore. and married Leb Tannenbaum: Her three new stepsons weren't very happy to have her in their lives. To earn her stepsons' acceptance, she cooked Russian meals, which the boys rejected. At times, she spoke English and felt as if no one understood her. It seemed all her efforts to win them over failed, she says. Finally, she realized she had to love herself and accept the fact that her stepsons might never connect with her, she says. Once she embraced this philosophy, she began to empathize with her stepsons' point of view, she says. "I was able to see what it was like having me in their life. I realized they didn't always have it easy," she says. Everyday, people in stepfamilies, like Tannenbaum, learn to grow in ways they never thought possible, experts say. Adults learn to empathize with their stepchildren, keep their anger in check, communicate well with their partners and spend time with ex-spouses they don't really want in their lives. "Nothing will force growth and maturity like stepcoupling and stepparenting as you go through the adjustment pains and come out the other end," says Susan Wisdom, co-author of the book Stepcoupling and a licensed professional counselor in Portland. Bill Hays, a stepfather in Corvallis, Ore., experienced some adjustment pains once he became part of a stepfamily. "Early on, I tried to use "sergeant/major" stuff on my two boys and my wife's kids. My stepson would fall to the floor in tears. I realized I had to slow down and change," he says. "Men want to be understood and want people to do things their way. I had to learn to back off on that. I told my wife, 'I have to follow your lead on disciplining and motivating your kids.' I had to make some big changes," he says. The desire to change in order to create a successful stepfamily often prompts adults to stretch and find ways to communicate better with each other, adds Joyce Hays, Bill Hays's wife. "Our marriage is much stronger because my husband and I have to be a united front," says Mrs. Hays. "My husband and I have to do a lot of talking about issues before we can talk with the kids," she says. "In a stepfamily, the adults really have to figure out how to be a much stronger team than in a nuclear family. You learn emotional skills you thought you'd never learn." Kids Grow, Too Adults aren't the only ones in stepfamilies who stretch emotionally. Children in stepfamilies must learn to relate to divorced parents, stepsiblings and stepparents, a challenge that often teaches them important interpersonal skills, says Dr. Margorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Association of America. "Children in stepfamilies learn a lot of interpersonal skills, like fighting fair and reading people's faces and interpreting their tones of voice," she says. And they often grow up living in two cultures: Mom's house and Dad's house, where there may be very different expectations about TV-watching, nutrition and staying up late. Those two cultures often teach children tolerance for people's differences, says Engel. At the Haley house in Portland, Ore., Shauna Haley's stepdaughter, Madison, has learned to follow a different set of rules than when she's at her mom's house, says Haley. Rather than staying up late to watch TV, she turns it off and gets to bed early. "It's good for kids to grow up knowing there's more than one way of doing things," says Haley. In addition to learning about multiple ways of doing things, children in stepfamilies are exposed to a broader definition of family and a place to work on their social skills, says Mr. Hays. By addressing troublesome topics during their monthly family meetings, the Hays children hone their interpersonal skills by working out issues at home. A few years ago, Mr. Hays's son, Sam, took advantage of the family meeting to practice an important social skill: asking a girl - in this case his 13-year-old stepsister, Megan - to stop giving him a hard time at school. "Megan was being silly with her friends," says Mr. Hays. "She was trying to embarrass Sam at school, and he felt comfortable using the family meeting as a place to bring up and resolve his concern." Members of the Hays family have learned to stretch on a day-to-day basis. And that's great news. But here's the best news of all: Over the years, stepfamily members as a group have matured and learned to stretch emotionally for the sake of the family, says Engel. "Stepparents do things for the kids that they thought they would never do. And that makes (being part of) stepfamilies better and easier for the children," says Engel. "Parents are sitting together with their ex-spouses at football games and school plays. When divorced parents are willing to hang out together, they remove a lot of the children's guilt and worries." You may publish this article in your ezine or on your website, free of charge. Please include the resource information at the end of the main story. Please send a courtesy copy of your publication. Lisa Cohn, an award-winning writer, is co-author of "One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies." To read about her book or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit www.stepfamilyadvice.com.
MORE RESOURCES:
Free Yoga Classes in the Park?Biscayne Times, FL - 39 minutes agoThree times each week people gather here with their mats and their water bottles for yoga classes -- free of charge. On a recent summer day, ... |
Yoga Helping Alzheimer's PatientsKOLN, NE - 3 hours agoYoga is being used by The Arbors assisted living center in Lincoln as a revolutionary treatment for Alzheimer's Disease. It's a lot like regular Yoga with ... |
Yoga For ArthritisCorsavoo.com, France - 5 hours agoWith the help of yoga, you can become stronger and more flexible as well as confident - even if you are suffering from arthritis. ... |
Swami Mukundananda teaches yoga in NJIndiaPost.com, CA - 1 hour agoNEW JERSEY: Over 200 people attended a six-day yoga camp last week conducted by Swami Mukundananda, a student of Jagadguru Shree Kripaluji Maharaj, ... |
Real Raja Yoga starts from concentrationIndiaPost.com, CA - 17 minutes agoReal Raja Yoga starts from concentration. Concentration merges in meditation. Concentration is a portion of meditation. Meditation follows concentration. ... |
Wellness Center offers yoga, pilates classesUST Bulletin Today, MN - 1 hour agoSTAR and the Wellness Center present fall yoga and pilates classes open to all St. Thomas students, faculty and staff. No experience is necessary. ... |
Exercises for the Under-18 SetNew York Sun, United States - 3 hours agoFor the city's youngest yogis, there's Karma Kids Yoga — a West Village yoga studio that offers parent-child programs for infants and drop-off classes for ... |
Yoga - Google News
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
"Mommy, I Can't Sleep!": Sleep Disturbance in Children
Oh Please, Don't Say Maybe!!!!Are you often a participant in an unraveling parent-child interaction? Well you're not alone. Interactions between parents and their children often transgress before our eyes.
His Toy, Her Toy
I remember when my daughter was born. Visions of her and I dressed in pinks and purples sitting in her lacy pink room playing dolls danced threw my head.
How to Get a Good Diagnosis to See If Your Child Has ADHD
Your child's teacher says that you need to find out if your child has ADHD or not. What do you do? Here are some tips from the ADHD Information Library.
Handling Failure -- Teaching Kids How to Profit From It
There is nothing pleasant about failure, at least not at the time that it happens! Failure embarrasses us, feels bad, and often costs us money. Little wonder that people avoid failure like the plague.
Why Modern Moms Are Going Back to the Basics - The Evolution of the Cloth Diaper
Having a baby is one of the most exciting times of your life. It is also one of the most stressful.
Promoting Your Childs Heart Health
Cardiovascular endurance is one of the five health-related components of physical fitness. It refers to the ability of the heart and lungs to supply oxygen and nutrients to the muscles.
Keep the Little Ones Safe, Follow Pool Safety Guidelines
Pool safety should be on the minds of every parent out there. If you are lucky enough to own an above ground pool or inground pool, you know there are certain safety precautions you must take to protect your children and the children of your friends and neighbors.
The Different Types, or Styles, of ADHD
Research literature, recent books, and common sense, all point to the fact that there are different types, or styles, of ADHD. In the past we referred to Attention Deficit Disorder: Inattentive Type, or Impulsive/Hyperactive Type, or a Combined Type.
Tips for Parents of Teenagers: Dont Just Survive - Thrive!
What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research study reports that feeling "unprepared" tops the list for many parents' causes of dissatisfaction. And parents of teenagers, in particular, may feel this acutely as so many changes converge at once: adolescents are changing in every conceivable way while they often push parents away in their search for individuality.
My Dads Secrets
From the book Spider's Night on the BoomI've only begun to understand my dad since I became a father myself, and it's amazing to me how I'm constantly being reminded of lessons he taught me 40 years ago-lessons that I never even knew I was learning.As a kid, my life was like a black-and-white kid's adventure movie, composed of disjointed, but sometimes very exciting scenes.
COMMITMENT: Teaching Children the Lessons of a Lifetime
It's been said, time and again, that for a child to learn what is most important, he must be shown the lessons through example, not through words. And, if we are to nurture certain traits within our children, we must first develop those traits in ourselves.
Cyber Parenting 101
Many parental units are not "techies" and openly admit theyare not. They seem to use that as an excuse to not beinformed and "trust" their children to do what is right inan environment that is clearly risky.
When A Parent Is Deployed
When a parent is deployed with the military it can be very traumatic for the children left behind. Having things for them to do, that makes them feel a part of the family and helping the parent who is gone, is really important.
Raising Happy Diabetic Kids Part III Help Your Child Develop Self-Control
This is the third and final article in a series I wrote about raising happy diabetic kids. While Juvenile Diabetes makes this job tougher the information in these articles applies to raising any child.
Teenagers and What Parents Should Do About Them
Chiladult? Whatever you call them, teenagers are a changin' and parents need to know what to do.Wow.
Helping Your Children Develop Their Self-Discipline
We want our children to do the right thing, especially when they are out with their friends. We want to believe in them, but somehow, we don't feel certain that they would.
Back to School - Disappontment?
Our back-to-school buying habits do not help kids succeed in the classroom!Parents are buying new book bags, school clothes, tennis shoes, notebooks, pens, etc., with the mistaken belief that this will help their child succeed in school.
While You Have the Time, Take the Time
Here in Kansas, where we live, the leaves are turning beautiful shades and falling off the trees. Just last week, I was babysitting some little boys and we were playing outside.
Spend Time Not Money With The Kids This Winter
Spending quality time with your children doesn't need to cost a lot of money. What's most important, is that you take the opportunity to bond with them.
New Baby - Relax and Become a Yummy Mummy
Lets face it becoming a mum is a bit of a shock at first, to say the least. Sleepless nights and eventful days make it a struggle to get a shower and wash your hair in the morning, never mind applying make up and fiddling with volume brushes and hairdryers.
|
