Parenting Failure? It May Not Be All It Seems!
I'll never forget my first lesson in a glider. I'd been interested in gliding, or soaring as it's known inthe USA, for some time - and now the big day had arrived. As I approached the airfield the words of some 'friends'came back to haunt me. 'Going up in a sailplane without anengine? You must be mad! How these things stay up there inempty space is beyond me!' After a lesson or two on the principles of flight, it wastime to take to the air. And I needn't have worried about'empty space' . . . If ever there was a case of things not being as they seemed,this was it. Empty space? You must be joking! Five minutes in a glider (or sailplane) teaches you thatit's anything but 'empty space' up there. I was amazed at the buffeting and whipping of the aircurrents and the sheer power of the thermals as they pushedthe plane upward, like a giant hand from below. The question soon changed from 'How are we going to stayup?' to 'How on earth are we going to get down?' But it's all about manipulation of the control surfaces onthe plane, and soon we glided to a smooth and safe landing. Often in life, perhaps even more so in parenting, things arenot as they seem. Here's a common scenario. A parent has been reading up onpositive thinking, self-development, parenting skills orsuch like. They feel good and are dutifully putting everything intopractice. Then out of the blue - WHUMP! There's a major confrontationwith one of our teens that leaves us drained, bedraggled andcrawling off in search of a corner where we can lick ouremotional wounds. The steely glint of failure mocks our efforts. But wait! All is not as it seems . . . In recent years we've come to realise that every situationhas potential for good AND bad. Some call it the Law OfOpposites. Let's illustrate it with another example. Say you make asacrifice and give money to the poor. That's good. It helps them get on their feet, and generosityis good for your personal development. So what could possibly be 'bad' in that situation? It's POSSIBLE that giving so 'generously' could make youfeel smug and 'superior'. It could lead to a 'Holier thanthou!' attitude. And the receiver could eventually becomedependent on hand-outs from others. Not good! So let's get back to that volcanic blow-up with our teens! No possibility for good there? Think again. Lick the wounds by all means, but rest assured that everysituation has a lesson for us. All we have to do is open ourselves to the possibility. So when we retreat, let's ask ourselves some questions andbe brutally honest in our appraisal: * In that situation did I keep my cool?
* Was I positive in my attitude?
* What kind of language did I use?
* Did I come over as patronizing, sarcastic, impatient,intolerant, 'superior', huffy?
* Or was I supportive, patient, tolerant, mature, assertive,helpful, confident?
* Was my approach reasonable or in some way self-serving? In short, was I modelling the type of behaviour I wouldwant them to adopt? If the answer is yes, then you can feel strong andconfident, knowing that any sanctions you apply are just andreasonable. If the answer is no, what can you learn from this? Use this opportunity to strengthen and develop yourself, andprepare to handle it better next time. In your path toward parenting progress, then, all may not beas it seems. Apparent failures - especially when we thought we weremaking it! - can be opportunities to take our progress tothe next level. Remember the people who couldn't understand how a gliderstayed in the air without an engine? Just because theycouldn't SEE the ridges of air pressure or the thermalswhich push the plane upward, doesn't mean they weren'tthere. In the same way, situations that may APPEAR to bring us downcan in fact be the very 'thermals' (which are hot air!) topush us upward to the next level - if we let them. Happy parenting! Why do some parents and children succeed, while othersfail? Frank McGinty is an internationally published author and teacher. If you want to further develop your parentingconfidence and encourage your kids to be all they can be,visit his web pages:http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html AND http://www.frank-mcginty.com/for-parents.html
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